But, unlike when you say, break an arm, conditions of the brain not only have the ability to inflict pain, but convince you that nothing is actually wrong with you.
So, while at the age of 9 perhaps, you try to jump from a balcony that's, maybe a foot off the ground... but, because you insisted on wearing dress shoes (for some reason) with shorts and your favorite horsie t-shirt, your heel gets caught and you land on your arm in such a way as to cause the front half of your right forearm to become perpendicular to the rear portion... well, the issue becomes quite clear: You are injured... seek medical attention... or at least Mommy and Daddy... :-p
However, depression is much more insidious. Not only is there no immediate snapping of your skeletal structure, but even if you start to feel the pain of depression, your brain will actually try to convince you that there is nothing physically wrong with you. It's simply due to your life circumstances, or the same old refrain of, "You were born a loser, you'll always be a loser..."
I really can't say for sure how long I've suffered from depression. It is certainly something that, seems to have gotten worse with age... and, fairly recently (early 2009), I did finally start seeking medical attention for it. However, it still gets me sometimes. And, it wasn't until yesterday that I was finally able to snap out of it enough to realize that it had gotten me again.
I can't help but kick myself a bit when that happens... because, how is it that I keep making this same mistake? But, I have at least seemed to have developed the ability to recognize when it has completely taken hold. And, that's what happened yesterday...
I don't want anybody to freak out if they read this, but there is one thought that, when it pops into my head, I now immediately recognize it for what it is. (However, it is something that I thought on many occasions, in the years leading up to that first doctor's visit in January of 2009.) And, that thought is, "If it weren't for the girls, I would just end it all, right now."
Don't worry, the thought process doesn't go any farther than that (at least not anymore)... because, my next immediate thought is now, "You haven't taken your prozac in a long time, have you?" And, that's of course exactly the case. I can't remember exactly how long I've been off it this time... maybe a month or two? But, certainly long enough...
I don't really stop taking it on purpose... at least not at first. I maybe miss a day or two.... and then I still feel OK, so it just completely slips my mind. And then, even if I notice the bottles I think, "You know, I haven't taken it in a long time, and I still feel OK (at least I think)... not saying I'll never take it again, but right now, maybe I don't need it. And, especially since we're without health insurance, maybe I should just hold onto the pills until or unless either Dave or I really need them...."
And especially this time, I had a few factors that helped mask the depression.
First, I got sick with the cold or flu or whatever it was. And, when that was going on (which seemed to last forever) I could just chalk my lack of energy, and generally feeling like crap, up to being sick.
Then, of course, there are plenty of life circumstances to feel pretty crappy and desperate about, right now. Our income is pretty compromised right now, due to neither one of us being able to find full-time employment (and believe me, we've BOTH been looking like crazy... but, even just getting an interview, or even any kind of response from anybody, seems to be absolutely impossible.) So, I've been so obsessed lately with making some kind of big change to get us out of this messy financial situation we've gotten ourselves into, that, I had that to occupy my brain.
Finally, a couple of days ago, I woke up with this horrible back pain (which is better, I guess, but still here)... and, of course, that gave me reason to stay in bed all day.
Yesterday, though, Dave got mad at me over some little thing and, it was just kind of the final straw. I didn't even see it coming, but I just suddenly thought, "If it weren't for the girls... although, maybe even they would be better off without me."
Maybe it was because I had taken it that step further... or because, I've been through this before, but almost instantaneously, I thought, "That's gotta be the depression talking." And, "It's time to start taking the Prozac, again."
I can't believe I've made this mistake again, but I'm trying to not get too down on myself about it. I'm still kind of waiting for it to take full effect, but I'm comforted even just knowing that, I'm at least doing this one thing that should help me get back on track. I've gotten so behind on so many things... which really should have been my first clue. But, again, I just kept telling myself, "It's just because you're too damn lazy to actually finish these things."
Anyway, while it may not mean much, I apologize if you're one of those people I've been neglecting (either personally or professionally). I know that apology won't really matter until I've actually done something to right the wrong... but, with any luck, and a little Prozac, that will hopefully come soon...
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